The Dark Side of Dismissive Avoidant Attachment

One of the biggest misconceptions about dismissive avoidance is that they're calm, they're independent, emotionally unaffected, cool, calm, collected. But reality is, underneath the surface, they're anything but. They are filled with fear, anxiety, and shame. Fear of vulnerability, fear of depending on someone, fear of needing someone, the fear of truly being seen. And when relationships begin to become

emotionally real, and they feel emotionally real to the dismissive avoidant, that's when the dark side really begins to appear. And they do absolutely have a dark side. That dark side can leave their partner feeling confused and devastated. It can be soul-crushing. You see, the dark side is driven by fear, not confidence. They appear to be

confident in many cases on the surface. Some don't, but many do. There's a charm, a charisma. They can seem magnetic. But that is actually a mask. Many of them truly wear a mask to hide their emotions, to hide their inner shame. And shame is the core wound, defectiveness. You see, in reality, they're emotionally

self-protective, emotionally self-focused. Intimacy by their nervous system is interpreted as danger. And vulnerability is what activates that shame and the loss of control. So, where does this come from? It comes from childhood. This is a person that was emotionally neglected in a profound way. Growing up in a household where you don't talk about feelings, and children

are meant to be seen and not heard, that kind of mentality. But to make matters worse, they had a critical, controlling parent that was smothering, not nurturing, with high expectations. Usually a narcissistic parent, because narcissistic parents seek to get their ego boosted by the child's success, but when the child falls short, harsh, critical criticism.