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How to respond when an avoidant comes back — Transcript · YTtoTranscript

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How to respond when an avoidant comes back

Alexis Friedlander - The Avoidant Therapist · 2,268 words · 11 min read · EN-ORIG

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Below is the complete, readable transcript of How to respond when an avoidant comes back by Alexis Friedlander - The Avoidant Therapist on YouTube. Read the full text, copy any part you need, or generate a transcript for any video with our free tool.

How should you respond when your avoidant ex is texting you after a long period of ghosting? Should you even reply to them? What's the point? What are they looking for? What you should be doing? How can you make sense of their behavior? We're going to answer all those questions in this video. As you

know, I used to be dismissive avoidant. And as a therapist, I'm here to make sense of what's going on and help you gain a bit of clarity. I'll explain everything after the jingle. So this is probably your your reality when they return and you have this hey stranger text or hey how are you after weeks

maybe months of silence and and you have this both relief and rage right you've ah they're still thinking about me they haven't moved on or you know I'm still in their mind and at the same time like why why after these weeks why it took them so long? What about this message? Right? Because

usually you're very disappointed by those messages. It's never the kind of message of like, oh, I messed up. I'm so sorry. No, it's always like, "Hey, how have you been very discharged as as if nothing happened, right?" In that case, obviously, like most situations in the context of breakups or relationship, don't react based on your

insecurities, based on your fear. Don't text your trauma. You have to text your truth. And there are ways to do it and not trigger an avoidant partner because you don't want them to disappear again and you getting back to square one to the pain and the difficulty of these wicks without having heard from them.

But first of all, why do they come back? Why he or she is texting you at this stage? When you have an avoidant attachment style and you break up with your partner, there's always a phase where you feel great because this breakup gives you what you need unconsciously. It's space is time alone

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away from the pressure of the relationship. And the the thing is it's temporary. If they have feelings for you, if they value the relationship, at some stage they regret the breakup, whether they took the decision or not. And so what happens is when they confront their reality of being single with what they had and I'm probably sure

that if you're watching this video, they are really happy with you. And so there's always these these drivers around curiosity, comfort, what are they doing, what are they up to, are they dating. That doesn't necessarily mean connection. Okay? And that's the mistake most people make is that they feel they're reaching out, therefore they want to get back

with me. No, they're reaching out because they're curious. They're reaching out because yes, they feel lonely. That doesn't mean that they're ready to heal, to be in a committee relationship. Okay. So, it's very important. I'm not saying that they're reaching out. Reject them. Push them further away. Avoidance are evil. I've seen that always on my

comments. No, we're not evil, right? We're just scared of commitment. And yes, that could come in the way of being in a relationship with someone with you for instance. And if your partner is not is not ready to overcome their fear of commitment, overcome their construct around self-reliance, autonomy, etc., they won't be able to be

to make you happy in this relationship. So, that's another story and it's something you need to assess and I'll explain how to do it in a second. If you're watching this and wondering if you have any chance of getting back with your ex or even if it's the right thing to do, I've created a free assessment

that gives you clarity. It's based on attachment science and it will show you whether your ex is still emotionally engaged, if reconnection is possible, and how ready you are mentally and emotionally. What you have to do is just answer a few questions and you'll get a personalized breakdown within 2 minutes. You can find a link of this assessment

below in the description. So, what are the thing you should not do? You give them this same vibe around warmth, around intimacy, around feelings and emotion. This is again the mistake that most people make is that they think I need to attract them back, right? I need to seduce them. No, at this stage that's not what you want. The

point is to stop performing and just following and and having the same sort of tone um and and dynamic that they and in vibe that they are giving you. So the point is not to get any form of of of clarity right away. It's not to win things right away. It's just reply with

the same intensity again. Usually when an avoidant reach out as I said they might not be ready because in their mind they don't exactly know what they want. That doesn't mean that eventually things will stay the same. Eventually things could be in the right direction and you can get back together. But it

always starts with this like hey stranger how have you been? Right? So it's about getting them on that journey and you you and and him or her on that journey towards CL. That's important. And so what you have to do and it's easier to delete is to follow a little bit uh their step so you don't pressure

them at the same time you also test your emotional regulation. One thing or how you could reply to these messages. uh one secure way of doing it. Again, take some some notes if you want. You can adapt to your own situation and own style. But it usually I think the three these three elements needs to be there. It's

to acknowledge but don't analyze. So I wasn't expecting to hear from you. So like implying like it's been months and I've had my own life and I thought you were dead. Name the impact. That silence was confusing. You're not blaming. You're not saying like you shouldn't have done that. You know, you don't

imagine how hurt I was. No, you just like keep it vague. Um, and then you can state your boundaries. Maybe not necessarily right away, but at some stage if we talk, I need consistency, not fragments. And we're not talking about getting back together. We're not talking about fixing the relationship. We're just saying like this is the

rules. These are the rules of engagement. These are rules of I want us to communicate like adults, right? Take it or leave it. And it's very hard to say no. Like, oh no, I'm not going to give you consistency. So when you do that, then you pave the way for a secure relationship.

They don't know probably how to be secure in relationships. They are very immature emotionally. So your role should you want to repair the relationship is to teach them. Now the point is not to be their therapist. It's not to be their mom or their dad. But it's in a way be the role model of this

and assess whether they will be motivated to do some work or not. If they don't, they're not the right partner for you. So the principle especially emotionally is about regulation. You need to be able to discuss with them to be with them to spend time with them. for example, feeling regulated and not

triggered or the time when you don't text each other the time apart, you need to be able to regulate yourself. So the point, the objective at the beginning is not about reconciliation. That's potentially an outcome, an indirect outcome after the process. But the point is like how can you regulate yourself with that time with those time

between messages when you receive a message from them. The point is not to and again if you have anxious attachment style this is very common is you feel they broke up with me because I was not good enough or because I didn't prove how valuable I was and therefore now that we are back in touch my only

mission and I'm going to be obsessed with this is to prove them how amazing I am that's not the point the point is for you shift it's important this is very important shift the paradigm shift the dynamic. It's not about you proving. It's not about you, you know, demonstrating anything. It's about you assessing, testing their

capacity to commit, to invest, to disclose things, to open up, right? And one way to make an avoidant open up is to, as I said, you follow their lead. You don't pressure them. Of course, you need to set yourself a limit because you don't want to be waiting for them to lead things forever,

but then as soon and it happens. I mean, I have plenty of cases with clients where they were very frustrated at the beginning. Um, so I have a client Sue and and she broke up she broke no contact with her ex. He replied right away. So, it's a different principle because he she broke up the contact, but

I think at the beginning she was like, "But it's leading nowhere. It's so slow. It's like I told her like he's replying. He's happy to read from you. Take give him a bit of time. And when I say time, in a month's time, they manage to meet up, do things together, to enjoy their

company, etc., etc. Now they're back together. And so the point is understand how and for me and her the the the challenge was how can we feel not triggered and regulated in those few weeks before she finally even when she started to see him she felt somehow is it leading somewhere I'm I'm so scared

of the breakup again I'm so scared that he's going to hurt me etc etc. So the point is being able to by regulating your emotion convey this calmness um the feeling that you're grounded and then I say lead the way in the terms of emotional maturity. Now if they pull away it happens.

This is not a result. This is not drama. This is not them rejecting you. See it as data. This is a piece of information. So I often say when people don't message you, this is also a form of communication. They decide not to message you. And that's a decision and that's a piece of information and that's

uh communication. And so the thing is when they do, this is where you need to be convinced and this is where you need to do the work before reaching out to an avoidant partner or before having a conversation with them. being convinced that they're not pulling away because you pressure them. They're not pulling away because you ask

something they can't give you. They are pulling away because they are scared of commitment because they don't want to invest in relationship because they are limited in their approach or in their ways or in how they can give you the the biggest difference between someone secure and insecure. someone secure and someone who has who have

anxious attachment style is that someone secure will stop playing games and will feel like okay I know I've done my part I know what I can give what I deserve and if this person decides to walk away it's my fault that's not because of me and I want to engage with them I don't

want to be in a relationship with them and I feel bad for the people they would because I feel this person is not relationship at all. That's where you need to aim. It's building that secure attachment style where you can finally let go if things don't go in the right direction in the sense of getting back

together. Because again, if they pull away, you need to be 100% sure that it's not because of your anxious attachment style, just because of them. It happens. Securely attached people break up with avoidance every single minute. Right? The difference between you have an anxious attachment style between you and someone secure is not that you're not

worthy of love or that you're more anxious is because you accept things you should not accept. Right? Because there's a part of you thinking I haven't done the part. So do the part. Regulate your emotion. Convey secure communication. And then if they put away this is data. This is just as proof if you needed

proof that they are not the right partner for you. When an avoidant comes back, it's not about restarting the story. Your job is to review the pattern. You're not resuming anything. You're just assessing, as I said, whether it's right for you, whether it's meeting your needs, whether you feel connected, whether you feel yourself with them,

that's the only thing that matters. And then you make the decision decision. It's all about you and the decision, the decision to have a relationship that you deserve. We leave you on this. If you have any questions or comment, let me know. If you want to support and help, don't forget to subscribe and like. does help

me a lot and I'll see you next time. Take care.