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Effective Communicator LIVE — Transcript · YTtoTranscript

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Effective Communicator LIVE

Jefferson Fisher · 18,906 words · 95 min read · EN

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Below is the complete, readable transcript of Effective Communicator LIVE by Jefferson Fisher on YouTube. Read the full text, copy any part you need, or generate a transcript for any video with our free tool.

Thank you.

Heat.

Heat.

Heat.

Heat.

Hey y'all. I I I have been waiting so long for this moment. How do you like How do you like them? Tell me where you're from. Also, hey, I am off the the slow start there. This that's that's on my fault truly. So, I'm back to you if that's okay. Is that okay

with you? Tell me where you're from. Maybe you can tell me your favorite tree. I'm a I'm a live oak person. I know it's not my car, so it's a little loud, but it's cozy. We're going to make it really cozy. Want you to see be present in this moment with me. This is live. Okay.

I see you over in El Paso over I see some Texas people over there. All right, guys. Welcome to Effective Communicator Live. We're going to spend some time together. You good to spend some time together with me today? I'm going to teach you some stuff. We're gonna talk about some stuff, some good stuff, and

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I'm gonna answer your questions. Effective Communicator Live. I've been waiting for this moment. I am so grateful. I'm so glad to have you with me more than you could ever know. Who am I? I'm I'm Jefferson Fischer. I'm a board-certified trial attorney. I am the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Next Conversation, that's been

translated into 42 languages, which is just crazy. uh also have 15 million social media followers across the world uh platform wide. So if you follow some of my social media maybe you can shout out. So I know if you follow my stuff, thank you so much for um as I would say trying that and following me. What are

we doing here today within this quick hour? I'm going to set you on the path to be an effective communicator. What does that mean within this time, this lesson that we're going to have together? I'm going to tell you what to do in the first three seconds of that hard conversation. Then I'm going to

tell you the three questions that you first need to ask when that conversation runs into friction and things start to get hard in that moment. And then last, I'm going to give you the first three sentences to say to make sure that what you say is what the other person hears. Sound good? Feel good to you? I want to

tell you something. Okay. A thousand people have already sat where you're sitting. A thousand people have already had the lesson that I'm going to teach you with in this hour. We sent an email to my newsletter list about six weeks ago and said, "Hey, I want to talk to you about this framework. I want to

teach you what I'm about to share everybody else. I want you to pressure test it. Make sure this is something that's actually going to be valuable for you and I want you to hear some of the responses. Before this course, I was trying to become a better communicator. Now, I'm helping other people find their

voice, too. Before this course, I felt like a doormat. Anybody felt like a doormat before in their communication? Anybody coming here feeling like a a doormat? Yeah, we're going to change that. Now I am a confident Now I am confident that I can hold my values in a tough conversation while staying regulated. Love that. I would attack

things head-on with a stick. Maybe that's some of you. You just you go into things like a bull in a China shop and you just you come in way too strong. Now I come to difficult conversations with more intention, patience and grace. Before this course, I felt weary. Anybody feel weary? Weary of how these

conversations and communications happen in your life. Now I am hopeful and energized. That's what we're going to do. For those of you who say, "Yeah, Jefferson, that's me. I feel weary." We're going to take you to a place that after this hour, you're going to feel hopeful and you're going to feel energized.

I heard from you. Every day you asked me to build you something that's worth changing a life for. Seriously, 22,000 of you over the last 12 months have reached out and asked for what I'm about to teach you. Emails after emails. Hey, do you offer any trainings? Hey, uh, you have a training program. Do you have a a

short course? Do you have a course? You have a course. I want you to create a standalone course. Hey, I heard you and so I built it. Before we keep talking about them and more about that, I want to first now talk about you. Let me go right now. There's a conversation that

you're thinking of a person, a relationship, a dynamic. If that's you, I want you just to say yes. Yeah, that's me, Jefferson. I I came in with this person in mind where I feel maybe that's a difficult person that you have trouble speaking to or maybe uh there's a relationship in your family, maybe

somebody you're married to or somebody you're related to or your your your son, your daughter, your your parent or maybe that work dynamic, you came in there with that conversation in your mind. So if that's you, I want you to type yes. I want you to keep doing it. Why why is it

important for you to type yes? Might sound silly. It's because I want you to see that you are not alone. Okay? Be with me here in this moment. Maybe you you're the type of person who replays conversations in their head on the drive home over and over and you beat yourself up in the shower or at 2 a.m. and you

can't sleep. Or you say it's fine when it isn't. Or maybe you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around somebody. Or you you just struggle to say the word no. If that's you, let us know. Let me know. Say yes. Maybe it's not at home. Maybe it's at work. Okay. Where you feel like you get talked over

at meetings. Anybody feel like they constantly get talked over at work? Somebody's always the one that is just controlling the conversation. Maybe you have that boss, that supervisor that gets defensive and blows up every time you speak your mind. It doesn't matter what you say, their ego always seems to get in the way. Maybe you keep putting

off that feedback you need to give. Or maybe you have that employee, that person that works for you that you should have let go, but you can't seem to do it because of that conversation. If that's you, type yes. I want you to be in this moment with me. You are here for a reason. Okay? Spend some time with

me. Now, some of you might also be thinking, "Hey, Jefferson, this all sounds great. This all sounds great, but you know, I don't feel like typing yes right now because I I'm not even sure if I'm in the right place. I've tried this kind of stuff. It doesn't really work. I'm not I don't even know really what

it's for. Again, people have been exactly where you are. Nobody in this world is terminally unique. Okay. Before, when I had this communication, I couldn't find practical advice that actually works. Now I know Jefferson has an actual answer that stands the test of reality. Now I know Jefferson has an actual answer that stands the test of reality.

Wow. I expected anything from Jefferson to be on point and it exceeded my expectations. These people learned the same lesson you're about to learn. Okay, here is my goal for you. All right, one thing. You got a finger, just hold it up with me. One thing in the next seven days, what I'm about to teach you within

this next hour. All right, I want to hear that you're going to actually try it. Don't make me talk for nothing. If that's you, I want you to say, "I will. I will. I I will try it, Jefferson. I'm going to apply this. I'm going to use some little part of it within the next

seven days to improve. So, if you can give me that promise and commitment, make sure you're doing it with me here. Partner with me here. Just type I will or I'll try." All right. I did promise here. Partner with me here. Just type I will or I'll try. All right. I did promise three quick three quick wins.

Okay, the lesson that I want to immediately give you right here regulates the first three seconds in a conversation. We're going to dive into that. Next, we're going to go into discerning the moment. What's the first three questions that I want you to ask? And lastly, direct. The first three sentences. We're going to talk about

this this framework, the same framework I gave to the thousand people is regulate, discern, direct. Does that sound cool? Sound sound good to you? All right. I feel like I've been standing for a bit. So let's let's go talk about some stuff. You want me to teach you some stuff? Let's come with me. Come on.

Let's go. So what happens right in a typical everyday conversation? What what happens most of the time? The first thing that comes out of our mouth, okay, is that we respond, right? We say something. It goes right out of our mouth. it. We respond there in the moment. Everything just comes right out. We just start talking.

Just comes right out. We just start talking. We start talking in that moment. And then all of a sudden something happens. We have that response. Then what happens is we start to have some clarity. We go, "Hold up. What just happened here? Hold up. Um, what are we? That's not working. what I said isn't getting

the reaction that I wanted it to have. Hold up, something's wrong, and now I'm getting what? I'm either getting more frustrated, I'm getting more upset, and now I kind of feel a little bit more hopeless. Lastly, with that clarity, as things start to calm down, you have a sense of calm, but really

what it is most often is you have a sense of regret. You ever regretted anything that you said? I know I have. Something comes out first. Have that moment of clarity. the come down and then you go, "Okay, now I'm the calmer." And you say things like, "Okay, well, what I what I meant

to say was," and you know what? That's not what I meant to say. What what I what I meant to say was this. Now, what I do and what we're going to do together is take this one, two, three, and we're going to flip it. Okay? We're going to do exact opposite. So, the exact opposite.

So, one, we're going to start with regulate. We're going to start with that sense of calm that I want you to have. Next, we're going to go to a moment of discern. Meaning, you're going to have discernment. What does that mean to be able to discern in the moment? And then three, direct.

Direct our words exactly where they need to go. Now, I want you to see, okay, that we have respond, clarity, calm, regulate, discern, direct. And you might be thinking, Jefferson, I just give me the words. I just want the phrases. I want the words to say, and I just that's what I need. I just

tell me exactly what to say. Listen to me. Listen, if you if you go, hey, I want to just I don't want to go to this regulate stuff. I want to skip to the good stuff. Give me all the direct words to put that person in their place. I hear it. I love it. Listen to me. When

you do that, what you're actually doing is going back to the old habits. No, we're not going to we're not going to do that. This framework regulate, discern, direct. This is the framework that we've already tested, pressure tested to say this is a framework that changes lives. This is a framework that will help you

in any situation you have when it comes to hard conversations. Now, so let's let's dive into it. This regulate, discern, direct. What is what do I mean by regulate? What do I mean by regulate? Jefferson, by the way, y'all with me? You still with me? Still feeling good? You liked it? All right, let's keep going.

Regulate. What do I mean by regulate this? What should I do in the first three seconds of this conversation? What's going to calm my system in regulate? What I teach is that a disregulated response is a failed response every single time. Whenever the emotions get high, okay, your heartbeat starts to raise. It goes over 100 BPM.

You start start to get uh that feeling right there and it gets in your neck and your ears and your jaw and everything else. You become disregulated. And what does that do? It shuts off your entire ability to make logical words, logical sentences. If you've ever been in that argument, you I don't even really know

what I'm saying at this point. It's because you don't you don't know. It's your emotions having the steering wheel. You'll say things you won't even really remember because right in that moment, you're the logical side is not there. So, what do we do in those first three seconds? In the first three seconds,

and I'm gonna put three seconds. I'm gonna go one, two, three. What I want you to look at and use is your breath. From those of you who know the next conversation, I say the first word needs to be your breath. That means wherever your first word is, that first response is going to be, you're going to

put a breath in its place. But not just any kind of breath, okay? A very particular special kind of breath that I'm going to work through with you. Right? You want to do it with me right now? What? Why not? I mean, this is Yeah, let's do it together. Cool. So, it's going to be two seconds in through

your nose. It's all going to be through your nose right here. So, it's gonna be ready. We want to do it together. All in through your nose and hold. One more second at the top. Then out through your nose. Okay. You see how I kind of did that exaggerated? It's what they call a um a

physiological sigh. All right. It's supposed to mimic a feeling right there. So, we're going to do it again. Ready? That means rather than having that quick response right in that moment, you're going to take a breath and then respond. Here the difference between I already told you I I'm not going to do that versus

yeah, I I already told you I'm not going to do that. Using your breath, make sure that you have a regulated response every single time. So what do we do in the first three seconds? Don't look for words, look for breath. What is that going to do? Give you a more regulated system. Next is discern.

Say Jefferson. What is discern in

a project usually a projection by the other person. There is the smoke screen that that's that's really not the issue. This this isn't what you're hearing is just you know the the the pieces at the top. you're not hearing what's going on underneath. Discernment says we're going to ask questions rather than coming back

with some kind of barbed point right there. We're asking questions that are going to help us in the conversation. What are three types of questions that I want you to use when conversations start to get hard? You ready? The first one that I love is beginning with did you mean? This is a good I'm going to give you

different types for different categories. Did you mean is a great uh question to ask when somebody is coming on really aggressive with you, when somebody is starting to offend you and you're not really sure how to take it. Okay, there are plenty of times where somebody says something and you go, I I

don't really know how to take that. I'm not really sure what you want me to do with that. And our brain and then we auto the most negative is the most negative light. It's very natural. This did you mean? This is what it sounds like. Hey, did you mean for that to sound rude? Did

you mean for that to sound short? Did you mean for that to embarrass me? Did you mean for that to hurt my feelings or offend me? Or whatever it is. Did you mean is a great way of discerning their intent and their motive. Cool. Next question. Um, what am I missing? The reason I love what am I missing is

because it lets you know of like hey there's some kind of connection I'm not making. Most of the time we don't actually voice that. We just choose for them what the connection is. We choose that they meant it to hurt us. We choose that oh they must mean this so I should say this. When really you know deep down

I I don't feel like I'm connecting all the way. So when you ask what am I missing? You ask in a really easy way. Hey, what am I what am I missing here? What am I missing? People will tell you. That's the thing. People will tell you what's missing in that conversation. It's a great one of finding you kind of

get to play detective and say, "Hey, I'm I'm not getting all the clues." So, let me pull out my magnifying glass and show me a little bit more of what's happening. And always I've had it where somebody will tell me what's going on. Three. Another one that I love. This is a question that's uh dear to to me and

Sierra is what's coming up for you? What's coming up for you? Why do I like that question? What's coming up for you? Because it's like asking how is your heart? See, we we give a lot of projection of what we're really aggravated about or what we're complaining about when really deep down it's these hidden fears. It's hidden

that what you're afraid of, you're nervous about these anxieties and it's hard to ask, you know, what are you anxious about? People don't want to go, oh, I'm anxious about X, Y, and Z. They usually go, oh, I'm fine. I'm not I'm not stressed. I'm I'm good. But when you ask what's coming up for you, it's

already assuming there's something inside of you. So when you ask what's coming up for you, it doesn't mean we're talking about the issue. You start naturally the other person will start talking about themselves. Say, hey, what's coming up for you? You know, I'm just I feel like I'm really overwhelmed about X, Y, and Z. So

yeah, what is it? Hey guys, real quick. Can you hear my audio? I want to make sure. I feel like some people are Okay, people are saying that if they close um the chat, when you close the the link and reopen it, the audio is better. All right. This is how this is how you know

it's live, guys. Yeah. So, just Hey, you know what? Sometimes you need a communication reset. Sometimes links also need a refresh. So, I want you to turn it off. just come back and see me because we're not done. All right. So, turn it on. Turn it on and let me know if this is

working because I I really want it to work. Good. Everybody's saying it's they Okay, it was breaking up. It was. They can hear it fine. Lots of yes and lots of no. Okay. Well, the good news is this is all being recorded, too. So, if if it's breaking up for you, I want you to

refresh the link. Cool. Yes. Great. Wonderful. Okay, here's a question. What's coming up for you? What's coming up for you in that moment? It's a great way of getting to ask the deeper question of what's happening inside of you. So, these are the three questions I want you to ask when the conversation

starts to get hard. Last is direct. What's direct? Direct is when you go, hey, I'm choosing in that moment to use my words in a way that's going to let you know exactly where I stand. There's going to be no confusion over where I am in this moment. I'm going to tell you

exactly what's going on. So direct, how do we how do we do that? How do we do that? For question number one, these are I'm going to give you sentence starters for you to use these in the best way that you that you want. The first one is I need. Sounds really easy. Oh, it's just I

need. That's it. Way easier said than done. All right. Way easier said than done. It's hard for a lot of people to say I need to state their needs. There's some people that are more peopleleasing people who struggle with this. When you say I need, you are putting it I'm putting everybody on blast.

That this is where I stand. This is what it could sound like. Hey, I need to have a hard conversation with you. Hey, I need to say something that's tough. I need to speak on something that's been on my heart for a long time. See how I'm I'm I'm putting it out there. I need to let you know something.

I It's It's a I need to say this. I need to say this out loud. You're putting everybody on notice that you have something that you need to say. You're It's like u taking um a flag in the sand, right? And just putting it right there. I don't think that's the actual saying, but you get

what I'm saying. So, I need next one of my favorites is I don't I don't What does that sound like? rather than saying, "Hey, you can't talk to me that way. You hear I'm beginning with you. You can't say that." It's I don't respond to that volume. I don't allow people to speak to me that way. I

don't engage in conversation at this level. You hear how I don't is kind of this language that's a gatekeeper of saying, "Hey, there are things that I allow and there's things that I don't allow." It's really more of a boundary statement. And so just as I need is more of a labeling of the conversation, I don't says, "Hey,

this is where the boundaries are. I I don't respond to this. If you want to communicate with me, this is the way to do it." Cool. All right. I'm also going to give you one of my favorite ones. One of my favorite. You can use this in your back pocket at any time. It's also I

don't know I probably what I use this a lot maybe so maybe so the reason I love maybe so as a statement is that it says hey look I'm under no pressure to agree with you or disagree with you somebody you're going to come at me with some opinion whether it's a it's a harsh opinion some

personal opinion whatever it's about or you want me to agree with you. And I go, "Ah, you know what? Yeah, maybe. Maybe." So, I want you to think of being at the dinner table with some family member. And that family member comes up and brings this big polarizing opinion. Maybe it's on politics or something and

says, "Well, you know, what do you think?" And you get to go, "You know what? Maybe so. Not sure." Or maybe somebody asks you something and you know that they're coming on and trying to make their emergency, you know, your urgency in that moment and you get to just go, "Yeah, you know what? Maybe."

So, another that I like, well, I can give you more than three. Are you cool with more than three? I'm going to give you this other one that I like. Let's just call this the bonus one. When you I feel This is a great one. The reason I like when you I feel is because it's a great

little setup and framework for when you want to share in that moment what's going on without getting the other person defensive to say when you you know when you spend the whole evening sitting on the couch on your phone. I I feel like you really don't want to be together. When you don't look at me when

I'm speaking to you, I feel like you want to be anywhere else than where we are right now. See that? You see how that works? When you I feel another great way just like maybe so. Maybe so is also really good at keeping people from getting defensive. When you I feel also is that way. Okay, so we have How

do you like those? You feel good with those? If you feel good with those, say yes. Let's see some Okay, I see some yeses. I love it. All right, we have regulate. We have discern. We have direct. So, let's let's let's recap it where we've been right now. Let's recap. All right. So, we have What do you do in

the first three seconds of a conversation when somebody is asking you or somebody's pushing on you and trying to push on your triggers? What are we doing the first few seconds? Tell me. That's right. Okay, I see some. We're going to take a breath. We're going to take our breath in that moment. Our

physiological sigh. We're going to breathe in through the nose. Take a moment to what? regulate ourselves because a disregulated response is a failed response. Cool. Number two, what do we do in this moment of discern? What are we doing? We're putting down our argument. We're picking up a question and we're go and we're

going to go find what's true. We're get discernment is all about being really good question askers. The best communicators are not the ones that have the snippest comebacks. They're the ones who have the best questions. And last, we talked about direct using your words to make sure what you say is what the

other person hears. That's how you become a more effective communicator. Now, let me tell you right now, there are more than 50 lessons, 50 lessons where this came from. Three questions I want to make sure and ask you. So, there's over 50 lessons. We just we just hit uh the we just skimmed

it. We just skimmed this lesson right here. Three quick questions. I want you to answer answer them truthfully. If you only took one thing from today, was this time with me worth it? Has it been worth it to you? Do you do these steps give you a hope of a better conversation? I

sure hope they do. Just a little bit. We're not asking to solve all of our problems right in this moment. Again, this I just gave you 9% of what all I have for you that I've made for you? Another question. Are you feeling just a little bit better than when you logged on? Just a little bit

better than you did, just a little bit more at ease, a little bit more positive and hopeful and optimistic for the conversations you can have in your life? Do you feel just a little bit better than when you first came in here? So, what's next? All right, I'll tell you what's next. The first course of said

well is here. I made you something. Took a lot of time. I want you to watch it. Check this out. The one skill that can change your relationships, change your career, change your life is also the one skill you were never taught. How to communicate. And let me guess, there is a conversation you're about to have with

that difficult person that you can't really seem to communicate with. Or maybe somebody has said something to you that's not nice and you start to get really upset and then things will often explode. Or maybe you feel like there's that awkward tension in a conversation and you're not really sure what to say.

Well, we're fixing all of that. We're going to break down in very simple steps how to disagree without sounding defensive, how to ask really, really good questions, how to remove the anxiety from initiating the conversation, and to be the communicator that you've always wanted to be. But also, I'm going to give you a cheat

sheet of how I want you to handle a difficult conversation today or tomorrow or this week. And here's why I'm the person to help you do that. Because I am a trial attorney where I spent over a decade handling conflict, not just in the courtroom, but also with clients. And the tools that I taught them, the

same tools I'm going to teach you, took them from people who were nervous, some of these gut-wrenching, nerve-wracking moments where every word really does matter. to some of the most confident communicators I've ever seen. I'm the author of the New York Times bestselling book, The Next Conversation, that's been translated into 42 languages. I host the

number one podcast on communication. And we've handled all kinds of speaking from top number one corporations in the world to selling out the Sydney Opera House with one purpose and one purpose alone to become a better communicator. So, let's get to it right now. announcing the launch of Sedwell. This is a communication company that we

started because we believe in this mission, this community that you are now a part of. At Sedwell, we believe that life's lived well when it's said well. This is a place where we want to nurture how to increase the way we communicate because we believe in building effective communicators. So what are we what's the

plan? What are we doing? What do we want to do? What's our first step as part of this community? Is the effective communicator academy? This is everything that we want to put forward, our best foot forward at starting to change the world by the way people communicate. So what's in the effective communicator

academy? The very first thing is of course the course. What it's going to give you. All right. It It's already kind of almost exactly like what I just gave you. If you liked any bit of what I just gave you 10 minutes ago, 20 minutes ago, it is 11 hours worth of content, lessons upon

lessons that's going to make you a more effective communicator. Um, you have captions, you have ways to take notes, uh, drawn out into three different modules. It's incredible and we've put a whole lot of time and effort to it that I know is going to increase the way you communicate and improve your life. Next,

after the course, we also have a workbook for those of you who like to write things out and really work through the material. We have fill-in exercises that you're absolutely going to love. On top of the course, on top of the workbooks, we also have a communication assessment. All right, this is proprietary to Saidwell. There's nothing

else in the world out there like this. This is the assessment that's going to teach you your individual communication types. There's six different types. You can take them with anybody. It's seven minutes for you to take and it's going to give you insights that you didn't even know that you probably couldn't even see that were there on top of the

assessment. Next, we also have a ask Jefferson. So what this is able to do that in real time whether you're watching the course or in everyday conversation you're able to ask hey where can I find more information on this or I have this kind of issue and it can pinpoint you exactly where in the

course of these 52 lessons that is and we go through everything regulate discern direct uh times 10 all right I've only again barely scratched the surface with this so why why have we done this why what what is the problem that said well is trying to solve. It's trying to solve one problem and one

problem only. And and that is this miscommunication is destroying relationships, families, and businesses. I say that because it's true. We know it. You feel it. Miscommunication um has ruined a lot of things and has caused separation from a lot of the fabric of our society. And we're aimed at changing that. I want to have a hard conversation

with you. Can I have a hard conversation with you? I want to look at something tough. I want you to look at the cost of bad communication of your life. Right? So maybe you're the person who doesn't have the raise that you could have the raise that you didn't negotiate or the promotion that went to

somebody else, the employee that kept you too long that you should have let them go, but you didn't want to have that conversation. Maybe somebody you're managing around or having to reexlain and overexlain what you meant. The price you didn't push back on. Not speaking up in a relationship, a lost relationship with somebody that you love. I I just

want you to look at this for a second because the bill always comes to and the question is what does it cost you bad communication cost you? In fact, I want to flip that question to what is it worth to you? What is it worth to you? What is that connection with that

spouse, that child, that parent, that lost loved one? What is that connection worth to you? What is it worth to you to have a drive back home where there is nothing left to replay? Where you have the full night's sleep where you know you've you've left it all. You've said exactly what you needed to say. You're

not carrying the weight of that with you forever. What if we could find a way and that's Sidwell's aim and mission with this community is to zero this out because we invest in all kinds of stuff. We invest in everything from how we exercise to our health to our clothes to our coffees to everything. But how do we

invest in the way that we communicate? Because the bill always comes to what's it worth to you? The effective communicator academy is an investment of $497. You can go to go.saidwell.com. It includes everything I just said. It has the assessment, the workbook, the course itself, the ask Jefferson. But because you are here, all right, because

you are here with me and you're I feel like you're my day ones, honestly. You're the people that showed up who really care about the way you communicate. I'm doing something special if that's cool with you. All right. on top of the course with the academy, what I want to do as a thank you as a thank

you for being here is I'm going to be throwing in a a live Q&A, a group call that I can have with everybody in the Effective Communicator Academy to help walk you through some of these big questions that we're still facing. On top of this Q&A call, I'm also going to be giving six different guides. So,

there's going to be a phrases cheat sheet. It's very popular of all the phrases that you can say in these these moments. Given a next conversation bonus chapter which talks all on narcissists and gaslighter specifically going to make it real easy for you to access. Throwing in also the 10 power phrases to

master your next argument. How to handle any argument which focuses just on arguments themselves. Phrases to use in your next performance review for those at work. Nine email mistakes that hurt your credibility. So that goes all into like email etiquette. That's best way to communicate there. And lastly, the holiday holiday conversation guide,

which uh as you know, we're heading to the holidays and they're at the table with the turkey and everything. Maybe you're a ham family. Uh it can get a little chaotic, right? Holiday conversation guide. So, you get everything for that 497 investment. It's all the the course as well as the eight separate bonuses. You can go to

go.sewell.com. I have a question for you. It's a cool question. What if I could do it with you? That's been probably one of the biggest questions uh we've wrestled with is how can I do this with you? As much as I can give you of myself, right? As much as Sierra and the kids

will share with you, how can I do it with you? All right. Well, I am honored to be able to offer just for those that are here effective communicator coaching. This isn't gonna be public for everybody. At the end of Monday, uh, yeah, Monday night, midnight, this all goes away. Those bonuses I talked about

earlier, yeah, they all they all go away. I'm only offering this one time. Okay. So, what is effective communicator coaching? You get the course. You also get three live workshops with me. So, we're going to have one over regulate, one over discern, one over direct. Not just the lives, we'll actually be able

to have hot seats. we were able to figure out a way that I could bring people on screen and then go role play through different scenarios that really deep dive the things that you're struggling with. I also have a situation phrase bank that has a lot of different like situational context to make sure

that you're approaching things in the right perspective given the environment. 30-day calendar practice calendar. This is for you pro procrastinators out there and truly I need that too. Um to make sure that we're staying on pace. So, it's going to be a challenge calendar to hold your feet to it to make sure, hey,

in a month we we can look totally different than where we are right now. And lastly, this is the one I'm most excited about. Uh, truly, in the effective communicator coaching, what I'm able to do is give you five free codes, five free loginins, five free licenses, whatever you want to call it,

five course seats that you can give to whoever you want. I love the thing I love about Sudwell is that we truly believe in the ripple effect of communication. Meaning how you communicate with the person in front of you changes how they communicate with the person after them. So think of the people in your life that you could give

five codes or seats to. Maybe it could be at work, co-workers or part of your team or your employees. Or maybe it's five people in your life. Maybe it's siblings or kids, grandkids, whatever. Or maybe it's just a random person that you met and you after a conversation you said, "Hey, I I you know I just feel

like I I'd love to give you something." Why? Because truly at Saidwell, we believe that a better world begins with a better conversation. And the best way to do that is to continue to improve the ripple effect of better communication in our life. Effective Communicator Coaching is an investment of 1997. You can go to go.well.com.

Again, that's the five free seats as well as the three live coaching calls with me in the phrase bank and the calendar. So, there's really two ways. There's two ways for you to do this. You have the effective communicator academy, which is kind of a do it yourself kind of thing, and then also I have the

coaching, which is do it with me. Again, after Monday night, the only thing available is going to be the course. So, all these bonuses go. I can't offer coaching in perpetuity. can't do it. So, I am this is my thank you to you for being here with me. You showed up. You showed up and you're here because you

were supposed to be. I I I believe things don't happen by accident. You there are times where you say, "Hey, enough's enough and I want to change how I'm I'm doing things." Well, that's that's why we built Sudwell to do that. You go to go.well.com. Again, here's exactly where you can go. They pinned it in the chat. Probably by

now you've gotten some emails. probably got a lot of emails from me uh the last few days, but it's all for a good purpose. Saidwell is going to do a lot of good in the world. I want you to pick the option that's best fit for you. Again, after Monday night, they all go

away. So, launch bonuses and coaching, they're going to exist as an option. Uh for those of you that just for this launch, Monday, October 12th at midnight, it's all going away. I want you to know something and just level with me for a second because some of you might be feeling like I don't really

know. I don't know what to think. I don't I don't know how I feel. I know I want to improve the way I communicate. Let me tell you, can I share something with you? You are not alone. All right? We are far more alike than we are different. I want you to see how many

people look at all these people in in the chat who are there to say, "Hey, look, me too. I feel like this is something that we can all resonate with. I I get to see all these comments." Yeah, I see everybody's comments, by the way. And I'm sure I'm going to go look

at the end of this, too, because there's they go by really quickly. So, everything you've ever said, I'm going to be reading. Um, you're not alone in this. Before this program, I was afraid and did not like me in difficult conversations. Now I do not fear them anymore. I am aligned with myself and my

values. It was a new experience to feel confidence that I could learn new tricks in my 70s. How awesome is that? Someone was emotional and I said that it's okay to feel sad and emotional. I hear you. Previously, I may have said don't cry. That's a good shift. I now am able to hear what he is saying,

take a breath before responding and connect with what I really need to express. I find that I am not avoiding the difficult people as much. Before this program, I was searching for a tool that could help me approach all types of hard conversations. Now I can do that with the tools from this course. Before this

program, I saw myself as a good communicator. And now I see the difference between what it means to be a good communicator with being a great communicator. I could talk way too long and even respond in a confrontational harsh tone when triggered. Now I take a smooth, quiet double inhale followed by an almost imperceptible and even longer

exhale. That's a great way to word that. I've never had instructions so thoroughly set me up for success in knowing exactly how to communicate. Now I have returned to the person I once knew before difficult situations happen and I'm able to think clearly and speak effectively. It sure makes you feel like you have the upper hand before you ever

enter the room questions. Now y'all had lots of questions. Those in the the VIP I know y'all have questions that y'all sent in. I'm ready to get to those if you're cool with that. Enough of me standing here. Let's let's go talk about some stuff. I want to talk with y'all. Cool. Sound good?

All right. Let's Let's keep going this way. Come on.

All right. First question that we have. When someone says something that shocks me, uh this is from Nicole. When somebody says something that shocks me, I freeze. I stop walking. My brain goes offline and I can't respond. Co-workers have even made a game of it. How do I unfreeze so that I can respond?

As you should be able to see it up here on the the screen. How how how we do that? So, I haven't seen these questions ahead of time. I know that we had folks that already emailed in questions, so I want to make sure that we have them. So, this is one of them. This from Nicole.

She freezes when she is shocked by news. First off, I want to tell you, Nicole, that's very normal. In fact, that's exactly what your body is supposed to do. Why? Because it's protecting you in that moment. We freeze because our body tenses. We tense up. What's Why are we tensing? So, answer that with me. Why do

you think our body tenses in that moment? Why do you think we tense up? Because our body is preparing ourselves. preparing you to move or stay, right? To either sift out what is the danger. I like to say our body is trying to see if there's a bear behind the bush. Like we

don't know what's really happening. So, it's easier for us to just freeze in those moments. Now, what I don't like, Nicole, is that they made a game of it at work. Give me their name after this. you can email them to me so I can have a conversation with them. Um, but you said

your brain stops going online in that moment. So why why is that? How do we fix that? Number one, what I want you to look at is just like we talked about and regulate rather than thinking on direct of words you need to say back to them. Instead, I want you to focus on

regulating your system. How are we going to do that, Nicole? I'm going to ask you, how's your breathing? How's your breathing? All of you right now watching, if you just to take a big breath, right? That's a big exaggerated breath. You're going to find that your muscles naturally will stop, start to kind of

relax more. If you've ever like clinched your fist really hard and then let them go, you can feel that sensation of your body almost releasing itself. That's what we want to do. When you get that new information in that moment and you go, "Okay, I feel like I'm gonna freeze." I need you to go to your breath

first and foremost. Go to your breath. Then what I need you to see, let's just move on to I I I think for you, Nicole, is the did you mean I think that question is going to come in a a big benefit for you because you're going to be able to say, "Hey, did you did you

mean to make fun of me?" Right? Did you mean for that to embarrass me? No. You say, Jefferson say, "How can I deal with not being shocked in that moment?" Nicole, I don't think there's a way we can change our body from how it's going to receive information. Somebody jumps and scares me, it's going to catch me by surprise,

I can't untrain my body to do that. Now, I can control how I respond after that. And so, if you need a moment, say you get really shocked by information, what I don't want you to do is let silence speak for you in that moment. If you could take a breath and say, "I need

a moment with this, or I need to think about this, or I want to I want to think about this for a moment. Let me let me register that. Let me digest that for a moment." You see how I'm using I'm narrating out your thoughts and your words. You see how that sounds more

assertive and more confident than you just freezing up and looking scared and not really knowing what to do? Instead, I want you to hear. You're gonna get that information that's going to shock you. If you have that like, you know, deer in the headlights look, that's okay. We're going to take a breath and I

want you to verbally say something of okay, let me think about that or let me pause. Let me pause with that for a moment and then use your words that I need or I don't or I want. Right? But what we're not going to do is let them make fun of you for it. That is more of

a boundary of hey, I'm not going to be in a work environment where people make fun of me or people aren't going to value everybody's different tools and talents. Cool. Feel better? I want you to start with regulate. Start with your breath first. And you're going to be amazed how easily it it comes for you to

come up with the words in that moment to discern what's happening. All right, next one. When I really want to say no. This is from Misty. Hey Misty. How do I manage being a people pleaser when I really want to say no or need to set a boundary? I worry about hurting feelings

and I struggle. I struggle with someone being upset with me. I stuff it down until I explode. Here's always been my take on on people pleasing. It's okay to please people. All right? As long as you're one of them. If you find that you are constantly avoiding telling people no, it's going to slowly eat at you. And you

probably already know what that that feels like. So you say, "I worry about hurting feelings and I struggle with someone being upset with me." Here's what I need you to to know. We're going to let's just use the steps. Regulate, discern, direct in that moment. What we would get through in the course is

around this element of discern. And that is it's not your responsibility to feel people's feelings for them. They have to learn to be disappointed. They have to learn what it's like to deal with tough emotions. It's not your job. It's not your job, Misty, to sift and deal with those tough emotions for them. If you

constantly start to carry that weight by yourself, right, if you if you constantly are doing that, then what's going to happen is life's going to get really heavy. You know what? your muscles are g your body's gonna get heavy because you're carrying the expectations and disappointments of everybody else because you're feeling them. So, how do you put up a boundary?

I want you to think of what we said in the lesson, the I don't I don't. If you need help saying the no, why don't we do this? This is I'm going to give you a very quick rundown of what might be helpful to say no to people. Most of the time when we say no to

people, we like to start with the gratitude first. Like we we'll say something like, "Oh, thank you so much for inviting me." And then we'll go, "But I can't." Right? And then that's really it. We'll say, "Oh, I would love to. Thank you so much for inviting me, but I can't." And the other person goes, "Oh, uh, why

not?" And then you don't know what to say. So you go, "Oh, well, I just have, you know, uh, it's just such a long drive for me." And they hear it, the other person hears it as a solution that they need to fix. In other words, that you want to come, you want to do it, but

you have this obstacle. And they go, "Oh, well, I can help with that obstacle." So, um, they'll go, "Oh, well, I'll come pick you up." Or, "Oh, well, I'll cut it in half the time." And now that reason that you gave doesn't sound all that great because now they kind of just solved it, even though it

was kind of a false excuse. Instead of all of that, okay, in instead of all of that, Misty, what I want you to do for the nose is begin with the nose. And I'm just going to put no because it can stand for just about anything. So, you could say something along the lines

of um I can't make it. Uh I like to say not in the cards for me tonight or no, thank you. Whatever it is, right? You say the no first. Can't do it. Can't make it. Won't be able to do it. Right? And then it's a comma, not a butt. Then you have the gratitude.

Then you say, "I appreciate you thinking of me. Thank you so much for inviting me. I um I bet it's going to be a wonderful time. I hope it's great." And if you need to, you know, you can always throw in um a little bit of kindness, a little bit of good feelings, uh where it

goes. You know, I hope it's great. I hope y'all have a wonderful time. But you don't have to feel like you can't say no in that moment. All right. So, we're going to come back down. Lay your boundary. Use the word no. What I want you to make sure is when you when you have that

feeling that the feeling of I'm going to hurt somebody's feelings. That's not for yours to hold. I need you to let that go. I need you to learn the skill of disappointing people. And the only way to do that is to start doing it, Missy. That means stop carrying the weight of other people's emotion. All right,

awesome question. By the way, hey, are we good? How are we in the chat right now? Is everybody great? Very cool. Um, I know you can't see, but this is not all just run by me. There are other people that are helping me right now. And so, if you are still part of the chat, I want you just to say

thank you to them. say thank you to everybody who's helping with cameras and setup and everything else. Um, yeah, a bunch of smiling faces. So, just know uh they they'll they see the comments, too. So, if you can help me show some gratitude towards them and just say thank you. I I certainly am one that's

going to high five and say absolutely love all the gratitude there. Okay, next one up. This is from Beth. Beth says she has a family member that's constantly interrupting her. Anybody got that? Know anybody in your life that's constantly interrupting you? Okay. A family member constantly interrupts me. If she doesn't interrupt mids sentence, she immediately

starts talking about herself. I want our conversation to feel balanced, not onesided. Do I need a quick strategy? Excuse me. or a way to expose the pattern. All right, Beth. One, this is a family member. So, I want you to put that there. This is a family member. They they love you no matter

what. So, with family, you ought to be able to be a little bit closer um to the flames, so to speak. How How do we do this? Is there a quick strategy? I'm going to first tell you what you don't do with this. What you don't do whenever that happens is say, "Hey, can you just let

me talk?" That's not going to go well. Or uh when they interrupt and you go, "Excuse me, I'm I wasn't done. Excuse me. I'm not finished." What does everybody do? They go, "Whoa, okay, hold up. Oh, wow." You know, so whenever you find that that's that's happening in that moment, what I don't want you to do is to just go like

teeth out and go really really hard on uh having too tough of a response. That's that's going to work against you. Okay. So, what do we what do we what's the strategy here? A strategy is let's use our steps. Cool. So, first, what what do we talk about? We're first going to regulate. you would learn in the

course of how we talk about self-awareness in that moment. Uh and maybe this is something you could probably give one of the courses to this family member if you have those five free um is to regulate and breathe to make sure and realize hey this is not an attack on me. This says more about her

typically people who are interrupting um again it can be ADHD it can be um anybody who's neurode divergent. Also those that feel sometimes insecure, so they need to they want to get something out right away. So also for those that are um more neurode divergent, you want to give a whole lot of patience and a

whole lot of grace. So I want to say that first and foremost is that some of it might not be what you think it is. But what I hear you say is that she immediately starts interrupting midsentence and talking about herself. That means this is a pattern of this Beth. There's a pattern of this. That

means it's time for what? A conversation. All right. That means you're going to um come up with a framework. Let's come up with a framework right now. Cool. Can we do this in real time with you, Beth? Why not? Are you cool with this? Okay. So, let's say that Beth, your family member,

interrupts you in that moment. That's fine. Here's what I want. Don't worry about addressing this in the moment. I want you to address this outside the moment. So that means we're gonna say what we're gonna ask a can I or I need to make sure I got this. Yep. So this is a

this would be sentence starters. So you can either do in a question form or I need to. This is what it would sound like. Hey, can I I have a have a hard talk with you. Hey, can I say something to you that's that's been on my mind? And most likely she's going to say,

"Yeah, sure. What you got?" And then you're going to bust out one of these. When you I feel Okay. When you start talking, when I'm talking, I feel like you're not really listening to me. You hear how I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm bringing up the context without having to say, "Hey, remember the other day

when I was talking, all of a sudden you just like rudely interrupted and then started telling me about how awesome you are in this day and how great, you know, whatever else was." Without getting to the context because that's they're going to start getting defensive with that. Three, and I might actually reverse the

order of these. Um is use the phrase I know. Actually, you know what? Let's move that. Cool. Hey, we're doing this live. We can we can do we can do it. I know. What does I know sound like? Hey, I know you don't mean to. I know your intentions are good, right? Because I'm assuming it's not

intentionally intentionally trying to interrupt and start talking about herself. The same way people will intentionally try to relate to you somehow, but by really talking about themselves, it talks more about insecurity because they're not really sure how to do it. Instead, it's hey, I know you don't know that you're doing this. Hey, I know your intentions are

are good. When you come at, you know, when you interrupt, when I'm talking and I feel like you are doing X, Y, and Z, it it makes me feel like you're not really listening to me. You're not really paying attention. Cool. So, let's Beth, let's look at the whole thing. First, you're going to set aside time

for this conversation. You're going to be regulated. That's why I don't want you to have it in the moment because most likely when somebody interrupts you, it's very common for all of a sudden your heartbeat go up through the roof. Why? Because you're feeling threatened in that moment. That's why you're like, "Can you just stop?" Not

the best time to have a conversation. So, you're going to begin with, "Hey, can I have a a heartto-he heart with you?" Now, I know your intentions are good. I want to say I I know that you mean well, and I do not think you mean to do this on person purpose, and I say this out of

love. when I'm talking and when you start to interrupt in that moment, I feel like you're just trying to talk about yourself and not really caring about what I'm talking about. And I don't know, I I want to have a good relationship and I want to I want to feel like I I can talk to you about hard

stuff, too. And watch where that conversation takes it. You see how much better that is, Beth, than trying to be like, "Hey, you know what? I'm just so tired of you interrupting me." All right. You see how that can go south in a hurry? This is a much better formula that's going to put you on a much better

path for the next time that family member starts to interrupt you. Awesome question. All right. How are youall having fun? I'm having fun. This is great. I just get to kick back and do this with y'all. So, and also I can still see the chat. So, this is this is awesome. Okay, next question.

When my opinion, this is from Lizzy. When my opinion makes him defensive, my husband becomes defensive in just about any conversation when I add my opinion. When I ask why, he says, "Of course, it's my fault." And shuts down for a long time. Lizzy, I don't like that. How do we talk so our words can be words, not daggers?

Oh, Lizzy, you're a poet. How can we talk? How do we talk so our words can be words? That was good. I like that. Okay. How how how do we make sure that your words are just words in this moment? Your husband becomes defensive in about any conversation when you add your opinion.

I I'd be very curious one of how do you add your opinion, right? What's the tone, his tone? How how how are the words that you use and whether or not he gets defensive over them. I have some words for your husband that could be helpful, too. Um, and why? Because they're helpful for me. When I he says,

when I ask why, he says, of course, it's my fault. My question is so let's have some discernment here in this in this moment is what when he says it's my fault you know what that probably is often and we talk about this in the first module of regulate of when we go

into like family history and inherited communication traits is we say hey we have these scripts in our mind these scripts that we've played for a long time that when we hear or perceive anything as criticism M right then we go into these moments a lot of barbs. So most of the time um I

would see it as you hear a question or hear a comment and your body your nervous system goes hey that's criticism because I feel like I've been criticized my whole life and this is my chip on my shoulder and you're trying to criticize me. Oh of course it's my fault. Got it. It's my fault. And then all of a sudden

they throw in the towel because they're done. They're disregulated and it's not going to go well. H how do you how do we solve this issue? So I want to go through the the steps with you because again you can't control him. You can only control you. Now if he wants to watch this course, great. If couples

therapy, awesome. I highly recommend it. Right now I need to talk to you because we can't control anything else, can we? Cool, Lizzy. Okay. First, I want you to make sure that you're regulated and see that when he comes up with these it's my fault kind of things, it's probably hitting on something deep that sounds

more like criticism. So, how do you how do we approach that differently? That's when we use questions. Discernment is all about asking the right questions, putting down your argument, meaning instead of saying, um, no, no, I'm not saying this is your fault. I'm just saying and getting into it, right? I want you to pick up a question. A

question like, "Hey, what am I missing?" A question like, "Hey, what's coming up for you right now?" A question that says, "Hey, what what would be more helpful?" How about a conversation between the two of you separate from when you're in the moment? Because again, in the moment's not that helpful when it's, you know, you have the kids

down to sleep or maybe it's just you two at lunch or whatever and everything's great. and say, "Hey, I'd like to talk to you about something that's important for us, I believe, as a as a relationship, and a marriage is that when we tend to get into when I give my opinion, I feel like when you I feel

when I give my opinion, I feel as though you start to just kind of throw in the towel. What's a better way for us to bring stuff up? What is it about the way I said that that set you off so badly? Again, this is not you catering to that. This is you using discernment for

questions of being a better question asker, figuring it out. That's what you're doing right now. You're just you're kind of in peeling the the layers of the onion mode. And so whenever that happens and you hopefully will get a little bit more information, come up together with a procedure, a protocol, a framework, like making sure

first we're not going to talk about this unless we're regulated. Two, we're going to make sure that our hearts in the right place and we feel like if there's questions or outstanding things we miss, we can talk about it. And then lastly, use your words. Okay, this is where you get to use the words I don't like or I'm

not. I'm not going to go into this conversation if you're not step in step with me. I don't want to engage in this conversation if you're not ready. You see how you're starting to to pace the framework of the conversation. It's also helpful to of course in any conversation Sierra and I too as well is

making sure that what what's the goal of our conversation? What what's the point of me telling her this or you this whatever it is? So it's helpful to have that goal in place. Now if he just shuts down and goes, you know what, whatever, then this is what I want you to do.

either have a conversation about the shutting down and saying that's that's really hurting our relationship and I don't want that to happen because I feel like we're getting disconnected there or second of all I want you to go seek professional help go see a counselor or a therapist because sometimes it takes somebody else for them to hear it I know

living from experience here for me it takes somebody else right to see it see it and then be able to deliver it in a different way somebody who's going to have objective forms of that. So, I don't want you to say I don't want you to think that the work's all on you because that's not

fair and that's not real. The work is not all on you. Okay? It's got to be a it takes two to tango. Communication is a two-way street. And so, there's going to have to be some sense of view of sharing what the problem is and trying to come up with a solution. But, if he

has no interest in gaining with that, then some different routes have to be taken. This is not all on you and you should not be the only one rowing the boat. Cool, Lizzy. Great question. I think it's a really, really close to the heart question. So, thanks for offering that. Hi, everybody. How are we, how we

doing? If you're good, either give me a thumbs up or say good. That's why that way I can go. Okay, we're we're still rocking. We're still rocking. Okay, I think we got Yep, we still got one more. Well, we got a lot more, but here we go. Aren't they lucky? I like this question.

How do I stop a relative who compares our children and uses a mocking tone to belittle their experience? Like, aren't they lucky? It often happens in front of people, which makes it harder to address. Okay, Barbara. So, one, I don't blame you for feeling that way at all. Um, that would upset me too if I feel like

somebody uh the relative I don't know who this relative is. I assume this relative is maybe older and maybe also has children. I don't know if this is a grandparent, a great uncle, whatever. Um, I'm still seeing goods. I'm glad. That's awesome. Who compares your children and uses a mocking tone. What I

don't like is that mocking tone. That That's not cool. That bothers me. um to belittle their experience. Like, aren't they lucky? Isn't it nice that they Okay, here's here are my thoughts on that one. I think your instinct on not addressing it in public is fair. Okay? Because when you if you were to address

it in public, then you add Let's Can we draw this? Can we draw this for a second? You go with the You could go with the pad. I know it's a little old school, but I prefer the I prefer the pad. always like if I'm working on something, I'm just a pad and paper kind

of guy. Okay. So, when you have uh let's do two separate things. So, we have one is public and the other is private. I don't know where I'm going with this yet, but I know it's going to be good. when you have publicf facing conversations, especially ones that involve other people. So, let's say not

just your area, Barbara, in front of like, let's say, a park or all the kids and cousins are together or something like that. Uh, I'm talking a work meeting. I'm talking there is a um a conference, work conference, and everybody's around the table or a board meeting. That's the word, board meeting, right? You add on this separate layer of

embarrassment. Is embarrassment with two Rs or one R? I think it's just one R. Okay. I could be embarrassed about me writing embarrassment. That's kind of embarrassing to be honest, but we're just gonna go with it. If you can put it in the chat the right way to spell it and if you have to

Google it then you should just don't even Google it. Don't Google it. You need to just feel the embarrassment with me. Okay. So you add on this another layer of embarrassment which what does that do? It creates a lot of resentment with people if you embarrass them. Right? Because now you are like now it's

now that it's not just one conversation. Now they're like, "How dare you?" Now, now you owe them. Now you've really done something because you've embarrassed them in front of people. You've hurt their pride. You've now Okay, way too many of you knew two Rs. Dang it. Golly, didn't even have to Google it.

All right. Embarrassment. Okay. Now they feel like, "You owe me. You have done this to me. You've hurt my pride. You've hurt my honor. That's really what it is. It's a pride thing. So when this happens, you're not making anything better. It is best not to address this in public unless you are needing to make

some announcement on behalf of here ye here ye. I am no longer addressing or allowing this kind of behavior. But no, it's still going to result in embarrassment and it's going to it's going to hurt. Okay. All right. Private earns trust. That's the bottom line. Private earns trust. There's that whole saying of if

you need to like praise people publicly, criticize people privately. Why? Because it's it's it's definitely it definitely matters how you're going to do it. So, let's let's circle back. When you have this conversation with the family member, don't do it publicly. I want you to do it privately. Why? Because you're gaining trust. It's best

to do it again. in a separate conversation immediately when they do it. I'm going to give you a thought for that too. But whenever it's happening, say, "Hey, um, whenever you say these kind of things, like, aren't they likely?" I know. Remember this. I know. I know you mean it. Probably from a good

place, but it it hits me the wrong way. And I prefer you either not say it or or say something else. And what that's going to do is open open the conversation for the possibility for them to go, "Oh, yeah. Well, what I mean is, you know, of X, Y, and Z." And that doesn't mean you have

to accept that, but you are putting them on notice that you're not you're you're not going to tolerate that anymore because most likely, let's just talk about it for those in the chat. What do you think when it's when somebody says, "Aren't they lucky?" What's really happening underneath? What's the fear there? What's the insecurity there? What

are they comparing for people who compare your child to how they raised children, right, or how they raised their own? What are they really comparing? Right? A feeling like what they did either might not have been good enough, right? And so they need to feel better about themselves because now they feel a little insecure, dare I say

embarrassed of what's happening. So they want to kind of use an excuse as to why they didn't do that in their world and why what you're doing now isn't that great. Yep. It's all jealousy. It's jealousy. It's envy. And what does it do? Jealousy and envy corrods. Okay. It corrods. So when they're saying, "Aren't

they lucky?" They're really saying,"You know what? Nobody did that for me. Nobody kept my kids. Nobody allowed my kids to go into this, you know, this experiment or experience or, you know, aren't they so great?" Knowing deep down that's that's jealousy. Here's the thing. If you point that out, if you point that out to them that this

is somehow jealousy, it's going to flame them up even more. But I'm going to let you read that. I'm not gonna I'm gonna let you read that. In other words, you know why they are, but you don't need to voice that. What it does is it teaches you. So that's that's what we do

in discernment. That's the whole point of that. The whole we have a whole separate like six modules on discernment of these questions that are going to help you pair down. If I know that it's jealousy, where do I go from there? Well, that means they're going to be really sensitive to what they don't have

and what you're trying to tell them to do. So they're going to be they're going to be very sensitive to that. So again, you need to be aware of all these things and walk with discernment. So now we direct our words. So you're going to have that conversation. Hey, I know that you don't mean it against my kids. I

don't you I know you don't mean that as a negative thing against my children. You hear I'm saying I know. And they're immediately gonna go, "Oh, no, no, not not at all. I do need to let you know that I'm not I'm not okay with those kind of comments. If you do mean that

they are lucky, I would prefer that you say something else or not say anything at all. Right? just enjoy the present moment with that because when you say that when you I feel when you say that it makes me feel as though you don't agree with what's what's happening and if you would also

let's not make comments like that in front of other people because I I want to be present with you and I certainly don't want to stir anything up that that's going to compare anything. You see how like you sprinkled the word compare in there? That's a much better way to handle it because if you go in in front

of public and go, hey, you know what? Yeah, they are lucky. They are lucky. Lucky that that you know that's not going to go well. Also, if you need to to disarm that, it's okay that say you know what? Yes, they are. They are lucky. Yeah, they are blessed. Yes, they are. Don't shun it. Just accept it.

Yeah, they are. Thank you for saying that. And then later have that conversation with them. Cool. I feel good, man. Gotta be careful. Embarrassment. Embarrassment got me, y'all. I think that's gonna No, I I'm It's gonna keep me up at night. I'm going to drive away from here thinking about how I spell the

word embarrassment. Okay, I think we get to go I think we get to go with live now. I have more questions. Oh, fantastic. There we go. Okay. I didn't see him. Perfect. Okay, here we go. Hey, are y'all having a good time with me? I am. We're keep on rolling. I'll start picking up the pace. You ready?

Yeah. Okay. Before we get to this next one, this He keeps twisting the facts because this one does sound interesting. Hey, look at me. Thank you'all for being here. It means the world to me that you are spending time out of your day to spend some time with me. And you don't know

it, but you know, I My family is out there doing stuff and I get to share a little bit of time with you and they're being generous of our family time and the people that are behind the screen are being generous with their time and you're being great with your time. So, I

want to tell you just thank you really so much that you get to be here with me. This is a a one-time opportunity that we even get to do this kind of thing. So, just know that you're you're my people and I'm I love talking about communication. The fact that you are here just means the means

more more than I can ever describe. And I've waited for this moment a long time. A really long time. We've been working really really hard. I did not know how much work it was going to take, but it's worth it. I think we're going to put a lot of good. I know we're putting a lot

of good in the world with Simple. All right. You ready for another question? I am. All right. He keeps twisting the facts. This is Suzanne. My ex-husband keeps manipulating, lying, and twisting the facts. When anything is questioned, he deflects by questioning someone else's character. I've started shrugging and not engaging. But we have two children who watch it.

Oh, okay. How do I set boundaries and stand my ground? He's manipulating, lying, and twisting the facts. When anything is questioned, he deflects by questioning someone else's character. I start shrugging. Again, I haven't looked at any of these. Not engaging. You have two children who watch it. How do I set boundaries? It's my ground. First and

foremost, those children take priority. Absolutely. Those those children, you're right, are watching. They're watching everything. They're listening to everything. And here's the thing, Suzanne. You can't control the other side of that. You can only control your side of that. And so that means your kindness, your words are going to mean all the more because your

kids are going to grow up. They're going to grow up and they may not see it right now, but later on when they're in their 20s and they're in their 30s, they are going to see for themselves. Say, "Man, you know what? I don't think my dad communicated in the best way. I don't think I that's who I

want to be. You know what? My mom my mom always was such a a rock for us. The way she treated people and the way she spoke with kindness, no matter what got thrown at her, she always was there. You see how you can't control any of the other side, but you can control

you. And so what it means is how you communicate is all the more important because truly with kids you you are you have the chance to break a lot of generational cycles when it comes to conversations. And the question I'm going to ask you is the same question we do at the beginning of regulation we

when we talk about family history and how that plays a big role in how we communicate. I'm gonna ask you is how did you see arguments in your own life and people for those of you in the chat I would I would ask you right now how did you see I would say I don't even know if I like

chat for those here in my community for for you here how did you see arguments handled in your world did people argue right out in front of everybody or were they behind closed doors did you see it was just right there in front of you or did you really never know if anybody was upset because

nobody wanted to say anything? See, that has an impact on you. That has a really big impact on you. And so, the reason I'm asking you this question, Susanna, is because you're going you you now have the chance right now. This is you. This is your chance to decide how your children see arguments.

That doesn't mean that you're going to handle them all perfectly. Okay? The fact that you even asked this question tells me you're a very good mom. You can't help it when somebody's twisting the facts. Now, I would say knowing that those kids take priority and how you communicate matters a lot more. I do

think it's important to as much as you can, especially when it's it can turn abusive like that is to get it in writing. Right? Don't you just say I'm not going to communicate over phone calls. We're going to communicate by text or by email. Why? because sometimes you need the evidence of it. When he's

deflecting by question somebody else's behavior, you're going to see that as lack of accountability. That's probably no surprise to you. So, not being able to accept and own what is his to own. I started shrugging and not engaging. Well, I like the not engaging. I'm not sure if I like the shrugging. Shrugging

says there's nothing I can do. Not engaging is a choice. See the difference? One is ambivalent. the other saying actually no I I don't engage in those kind of conversations. I'm not going to engage in this conversation. That's the kind of thing that you want to look at when you're communicating. So when you say we have

two children who watch it, how do I set a boundaries and stand my ground? Here's what I want you to do. Use the I don't. So, let's go real quick to an a boundary. Instead of the you, which typically sounds like you're always, you never, right? I want to engage with I don't.

So number one is I don't I don't tolerate I don't engage in these kind of conversations. I don't um I don't accept that. Right. I don't allow people to speak to me that way. Number two is the if is the condition. If you continue, if this if this is how you're going to

treat me, if you continue to talk to me like that, my favorite is then. This just an logic if then statement. Then you need the consequence. That's for you to choose. Susanna is the then this is the end of the conversation. Then I'm going to hang up. Then I'm going to take a few hours

break. then I'm going to have a conversation with so and so. Right? Then you need to to say that that's how you stand your ground is that when you put out your consequence of then this is what I'm going to do. That's what you stay at. Overall, what I want you to remember in my response to you is that

how your kids see you respond. So they're watching him. True. But good always wins. And I need you to remember that they're watching you, too. So, as much as it's frustrating and as much as it hurts, what you're doing is planting seeds right now that years from now when it's time to reap that harvest,

they're going to see mom communicated well and and mom did it the right way. Cool.

Okay. So, I want to make sure and let you know for those that are in the the VIP group. Okay, this is coming right after these. So, I know we're gonna continue on with this real quick because there are other people have joined the live stream and then right after this we're doing our own VIP call, which I'm

excited about because then I get to I get to see all of y'all and we get to get a little close and cozy. Sound good? Awesome. Okay, I want to make sure standing up. Oh, this is the next one that I wanted to hit. Standing up for myself respectfully. Says, "I'm too passive and don't stand up for myself

respectfully. Fear, humiliation, rejection, worry tend to win. I either stay silent, take it, or I lash out. Nothing gets resolved. How do I speak with honesty and confidence? I'm too passive and don't stand up for myself." That's Elena. Um, you know what? You're not the only one who has that. You're not the only one who feels that whenever

you feel like I'm I'm I'm too passive. I'm not using my voice. I want you to remember what we said in the lesson, okay? Is using that statement I need. It's going to get you really far and being able to at least start. See, the issue is same with the the question that

we had about freezing. Okay, we often get too overwhelmed. People who are typically passive get too overwhelmed because you're trying to play out every possible scenario that could ever happen with everything you could ever say and that becomes very uh overwhelming in that moment. What I need you to do is focus on the beginning of words. So if

it makes you feel better, I want you to write down write down even just the first sentence of things that you want to respond to. Write down the first sentence because you need to be able to get the reps in, okay? Of when and how to at least get the sentence started out

of your mouth. Otherwise, you're going to be in that fear, humiliation of, well, what if I say this? What if I say that? What if I say this? And it's going to be too much for you. At that point in time, it's going to be easier for you not to say anything at all because

you've already run through all the scenarios. Instead, begin with, "Hey, I need." Or one of my favorites is, "I'm telling you this because I'm telling you this because I'm upset with something. I'm telling you this because I'm worried. I'm telling you this because you're going to be honest with them about what you're feeling in that

moment." If you lash out, what that's that usually has a lot to do with being regulated. I need you to use your breath. Do it calmly. And so, I want you to if I could break it into three. Number one, you're going to use your breath. Stay regulated so that you don't lash out and say

something you don't mean. Number two, I want you to focus on not trying to play out every single scenario of if I say this, if I say this, if I say this, they're going to make fun of me. If I say this, is what's going to happen? Just get your sentence started. Sometimes you're just getting over the

hump. That means you're going to just begin with something as simple as I need. Hey, I need to say something. I need to voice this. Or three, if you need to set a goal for the conversation real quickly to help you set that up, it's I'm telling you this because I'm telling you this because this is

something I'm I'm worried about, right? Um I'm telling you this. And that way you can use that use that as a vehicle for stating the very things that say I'm, you know, I'm I'm afraid or I'm worried about X, Y, and Z. And that way you get to lean in with your values.

lean in with the authenticity rather than being kind of frozen by them. Cool. Great question. Thanks, Elena. All right. Hey, I'm going to I have some water right here. Can I get some water cuz my throat's about to How are you doing? How are y'all doing? Tell me. Yep, I can see. I see the VIP chat. I

see the general chat. I'm so glad that y'all are here. Yeah. I want to know is this is this helpful for y'all? Is it helpful for y'all? Like this water is helping me. Mhm. So, question. Do y'all like you like it when I use the pad or when I just talk? I don't know. I wanted to present two

options so you could have both of them. It's fun. Yep. Because if you if you like the pad, the course is lots of pad stuff. Lots of pad stuff. And by the way, it's not none of it was I'm not like reading a teleprompter. Just like here, this is live. There's no teleprompter. There was a teleprompter

in the course either. It's just scripting things of like saying things out loud that I know if I have a general goalpost or where I want to go, but nothing is scripted. So they say people said both. You said both. The notepad is helpful. Okay. Oh, I feel like we're liking we're liking the pad

more than we liked. Okay. Thank y'all for my water. Um, also for everybody, um, I'm going to reinforce one more time. There are people behind this screen, this camera right here that are helping. Will you again just say thank you to the crew, um, and the family for just, uh, their their work and effort. It it took it

takes a lot, a whole lot. And I'm very grateful and I want us just as a community to be grateful too. Lots of lots of people loving the chat. Thank you. Okay. How we good? We good? Everybody good? Awesome. Great. Yep. Yep. Uh um the VIP key will be after this, right? I can still see the

whole chat. It's going to happen. It's going to be right after this. All right. holding my team accountable. Laura says, "I'm a new manager of nurses at a home health company. How do I have the hard conversations about performance with people dealing with personal or health issues without discounting their struggles? I care, but I need them to understand

how it affects our patients and team." Good. This is worth me rereading. I'm a new manager of nurses at a home health company. How do I have hard conversations about performance with people dealing with personal or health issues without discounting their struggle? I care and I need them to understand how it affects it. Great.

Good question. Really good question. So, in those moments where you say, "Hey, I need because I hear you saying this is about performance with uh people that you work with. Yeah, you're a manager of nurses, so you need to talk to other nurses. they're also dealing with home health stuff like not home health stuff

but their own personal lives and you don't want to dismiss what they're saying you also need to understand that what they do is affecting what's happening there so this is what I I want you to consider there's something that we talk about big time in direct number three uh and that is the role of

affirming when somebody's coming in with a a hard time and a hard moment really sensitive thing what I want you to remember is affirming sentences is affirming words. I often will say it has to do with like senses, you know, say, "I I feel that. I hear that. I see that." That's going to help you at least

enter into this conversation because most likely when the nurse comes to you, they're going to go, "Hey, um, you know, I need to take off next week because I have this thing with family and whatever it is, right? That's probably that I would say that's a generic kind of thing." And this is for any industry,

not just nurses. And at that moment, you're left with the decision. Your mind, your operator mind goes, "Hey, this doesn't work because I'm thinking of who I need to fill their place. This isn't going to work. This is going to put a strain on me. It's going to put on a strain on the team, and this

is what's, you know, x, y, and z." At the same time, what you rightly voiced is you also don't want to come across dismissive. So, I think it's great that you said I don't want to discount their struggle. Awesome. Your words have to match that. All right. And how do we do that? We're going to use words of

affirmation. We're gonna affirm that. So, in other words, you're going to say something as simple as, "Hey, I that sounds really tough." Like maybe they're going through a hard time or maybe somebody's passed away or somebody's you go that that sounds like a that sounds like a lot. That sounds like a hard

time. It's one of these um sounds like let me use the pad. sounds like or seems like. I'll leave these for my buddy Chris Boss. Sounds like or seems like. It's a great way to enter into the conversation affirming to say, "Hey, seems like that's you have a a whole lot going on.

It sounds like that's going to be a a pretty big ordeal. that sounds like it's going to be tough or it sounds like it's going to be fun. Like you just need a moment. It doesn't take much, just a little bit to go, hey, I am affirming that experience that you're talking to

me about. And then it is help me. This is a more of a question form that's going to be, hey, help me. Look, I I that sounds like a really hard time or it's it seems like it's going to be tough. I I need you to help me, you know, make a plan for this. Help me

make sense with this of how we're going to do that because if you do, then we're going to have X, Y, and Z. Now, this gets into employee employment like what's in the policy, right? Is the policy say that they can take off and what's that what's that for? If they have their own health issues, their own

personal issues, there's going to be some kind of employee policy. And I'm not trying to be the HR. Far from it. What I'm saying is when you say, "Hey, I'm going to affirm whatever you're bringing up to me." And then I'm going to say, "Help me make sense of this plan because I hear you saying that you need

to do this and I I feel that, but also and also I need you to help me make a plan for what's going to happen, what's going to do next. Do have you gone through X, Y, and Z? Have you run through the proper channels? Have you gone and checked with so and so? How can

we make sure that you're able to do this and you're going to be able to fulfill your obligations with with the team or what we're going to do with our clients? Sometimes the question is what best can we do for our clients in this moment using discernment to ask questions to find out how are we how are we supposed

to do this? What's the best plan that we can kind of put in place? So that would be how do you hold your team accountable is one. My hope is you've already had some of these hard conversations with them even before they they ask. It's not good. Okay. Generally when an employee or somebody you're working with asks you

and then you lay on something new. These kind of conversations need to happen ahead of time objectively so that nobody is guessing what should happen with that team. Because if you turn it into an us versus them, then they are going to be more inclined to not go the way that you want them to. So if you go, hey, I know

that you care about these clients and I know that we're here together and I I'm just collectively as a team, help me find out the best solution that we can still make sure that we're providing care for X, Y, and Z and this and this and this so that you can still take care

of that hard thing that you're going with. Can you help me with that? rather than a oh well I mean I guess that's fine but you know you're really just going to put a lot of us out if that's going to really happen. There are employers who talk like that managers who talk like that. We don't want to

don't want to do that. So sounds like seems like and then help me help me with a plan. Help me make sense of this. Help me come up with a strategy. That's going to feel a whole lot more of a teamwork. Great question. Okay. I got one more that I'm going to do. One

more. Here we go. Too many words or two directs from Melinda. Y'all still with me? If you're still with me, say still with you. I work in HR giving managers guidance they don't always want to hear. Probably the truth. I've been told I use too many words, but when I keep it short, I come across as too direct. How

do I deliver a hard message clearly and briefly while still sounding warm? That last bit tells you the answer. Sound warm. An email is usually never going to sound very warm. Now, you can put in all the exclamation points that you want and say, you know, hey Melinda, so good to hear you. Hey, here's this new stuff.

That's not warm. Okay, that those will often sound desperate. We won't we don't want that. We want warm. That means they need to hear your voice and that means there needs to be some kind of collective either it's one-on-one or some kind of group something. So, how do I do this clearly and correctly uh and

briefly says too many words? Well, I'm going to ask you, have you kind of planned out your goal for what you need to say? Do they have bullet points? Most of the time you're saying here, I'm giving managers guidance. Well, that should clue you in on managers time is typically pretty limited and so if you

continue to go on, they're going to get kind of antsy. So, bullet points are very helpful, very, very helpful. Also, trust that you provide them the information and that they will come to you with any questions. So, you give them exactly what they need, not the if this and if that and if that. Let them

come to you with that. So it's not your job to X out and address every single scenario. Allow them, especially managers, for them to come voice the questions that they have. So that's how you stop using too many words is to make sure that you are when you send an email, how many sentences are you using?

You want to make it short and sweet. When you say I use too short words, I come across too direct. Well, if you're somebody who's Jefferson, my problem is that I sound people tell me I'm too direct. Well, you can still be direct and still be kind. You can still be direct and still be warm, right? They're

they're not mutually exclusive. So, when you says, "Hey, how do I say this warm?" We're going to say it in a way that's slow and say, "I'm going to stick with the goal. Hey everybody, we're here today because as you know, we're wanting to make sure that in this next calendar cycle, we're going to address X, Y, and

Z." Now, the plan for that is that we're going to do what? We're going to hit this. And as you see in your packet, we're going to hit this, this, and this. Okay? And I'm going to assume if nobody has any questions in here, then I'm not going to continue to give on any

information. Now, you can even prep it with a if this sounds too direct, feel free to to let me know. Or this probably sounds too direct, and then tell them exactly what you want to say. When you say this probably will sound too direct, nobody takes it as too direct because you warned them. you gave them a a heads

up ahead of time. Much better. So, this too many words thing, it all has to do it all has to do with like the direction that you take right at the very beginning and trusting that the information you're giving them is the information that they need in that moment. I want to make sure y'all have

time for have time for one more. There are questions. Really, really good questions. We good, Grant? We got another question. Yep. Okay. So, right after this one, we're doing VIPs. That's what I was I finally got the okay for that. So, here's this last one. This is people who write my paycheck. Your phrases often

feel like they're meant for a peer, a friend, or a partner. How do I talk to or challenge the people who literally write my paycheck? With layoffs so common, people don't want to speak up or share a different point of view. Great question. Let me tell you something that people love. People love to teach things

like kind of what I'm doing right now. But people in your workplace, if you've ever gone to, let's say, the person who's writing your paycheck, like a manager or a boss or somebody, and say, "Sit down, make some time for it, and say, "Hey, I would love to learn just about you. you know, how did you how did you get

into the position that you my throat? How did you get in the the role that you're in? How did you learn when you were in my position? Did you do X, Y, and Z? Where are we taking a learner's mindset in that moment? You're taking a learner's mindset to ask questions to say, "Hey, I want to make sure that this

is a safe place for me to ask questions at because I feel this is a great one. I think you can use with this. Okay, you say your phrases feel like they're meant for a peer. That's fair. It's because they're meant for everybody. Here is what I want you to come with. You sit in

the room and say, "Hey, I'm somebody that where I work, I really care about being able to communicate on a two-way street back and forth. And I'm I would love to hear from you. Um, how did you learn how to do X, Y, and Z?" I I think that would be great for me to know. When

I'm somebody also when I come to a place I'm I want to feel that I'm transparent. I want to feel that I am able to share things. It makes me feel good that I'm able to come to you. What's the best way that you like to receive feedback? You hear how that you say, "Hey, what's

what's the best way? Help me understand what's the best way. When I have an issue, I can come and voice it to you. What's what's helpful? What's not helpful? What's the most helpful way when I have a concern? Where should I go? To be able to take that learner's mindset in this. Now, what I'm saying is

phrases, phrases like boundaries, the phrases of I need or even maybe so or when I feel, those are all you can use those with anybody. What usually has to happen is your tone. I would eliminate any of that kind of talk in an email. It's just not email is very low emotion medium. You want to do facetoface.

That's ideally if you can so they can hear the warmth in your voice. So people don't want to speak over share a different point of view. There we go. So it's it's I think you hit the point right there is that you go hey what's the best way when we think of ideas

what's the best way to share those? often the people who I guess you said writing the paycheck will provide you with that very module of how they like to receive it because everybody wants to receive feedback in a a different way. So when you come across these moments, okay, and it's a it's a great question.

When you come across these these moments, I want you to go back and remember first thing that we're going to do rather than just responding, okay? Rather than just going, hey, what can I say to this person? That's not the way to go. That's that's the opposite. Remember, that's that path. When you stick with what you want

to say first, it leads to a path of typically some kind of regret where you're going, I I should have said, I wanna it's it's going to be X, Y, and Z. Here's what I want to leave you with. I want to leave you with the right framework, okay? A framework that has

been tested and it's been proven to work positive change in people's lives. And that is by first starting with regulating your body because a disregulated response is a failed response. Two, I want you to to to look at how to next discern that moment. That means putting down your argument, picking up a question, and going to find

what's true by using more questions than answers. And then I want you to then direct your words. That's when you're able to respond in a way that's controlled, a way that says, "What I say is exactly what I mean. I don't need to overexlain this. I don't need to apologize for this. I don't need to

second guessess this on the drive home or in the shower or 2 a.m. and I don't need that because I have cleared. I've zeroed it out. I have said exactly what I need to say." I want to make sure that you know that there's two ways for you to learn what I've shared today and shared in this lesson

is the effective communicator academy and then also the effective communicator coaching. Now when you get these you'll have lifetime access to them. And so we have the uh first is the academy itself with the eight different bonuses. again um both the bonuses bonuses themselves are only until Monday night and then coaching itself coaching the the whole

thing of coaching is only offered until Monday. I I have to cut it off is the sad part. And so the good news though is that you're here and you have the opportunity that a lot of people aren't going to have and that's for me to do it with them and walk through step by step

with the calendar with the Ashkerson with the five courses free to continue to help me help you help our community that you're here to improve that ripple effect and change the lives of so many people because we truly believe that life is lived well when it's said well. VIP. Yep. For the VIPs folks, um, hang

tight because we are going to use that same exact link that you're on. And for those that are with me right now, thank you so much for joining. Again, VIPs, hang on with me for a second. I hope this has been I know this has been really helpful. I've really enjoyed my time uh with you and just getting to see

everybody's um everybody's messages and this has just totally made my day. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being here and spending time with me. VIPs, hang tight. I'm about to be on here in just a second. Probably going to get myself some more water and uh we'll continue on. I hope to see you in Effective

Communicator Academy and Effective Communicator Coaching very soon. Thanks y'all.

Heat. Heat.

Heat. Heat.