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Your Ex Thinks You Can't Change, THIS is Why... — Transcript · YTtoTranscript

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Your Ex Thinks You Can't Change, THIS is Why...

Chris Blundell · 2,337 words · 12 min read · EN

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Below is the complete, readable transcript of Your Ex Thinks You Can't Change, THIS is Why... by Chris Blundell on YouTube. Read the full text, copy any part you need, or generate a transcript for any video with our free tool.

have you ever felt like no matter what you do, your ex still sees you as the same person that they broke up with? You've changed, you've grown, you've improved, but they just can't seem to let go of their old beliefs of you. It feels frustrating, unfair even, like they're clinging onto an outdated version

of you that doesn't exist anymore. In this video, I'm going to talk about expectancy bias. Why your ex isn't seeing the real you, why they're stuck in the story that they've built and what you can do to finally move forward. so if you've gone through a breakup or even a tough time in your relationship,

a lot of people turn inwardly to see what they can change within themselves. And after you've made those changes and you're proud of them, your partner or ex partner can be completely blind to them. They can feel like they're purposefully ignoring the fact that you've changed. when you're trying to repair a relationship and you know deep down

that you've changed, It can be tempting to try to convince your partner or ex partner that you've made those changes. The problem comes is that the more that you try to prove yourself, the more that you actually end up reinforcing their old expectations. It's a losing game that leaves you exhausted and frustrated.

the problem is is that when your partner doesn't see the new you, it can be very easy to let their outdated view of you influence your actions. It's and ironically end up limiting your growth, because you can become trapped in that same stale story. another mistake that you can make is that you can assume that

they'll notice your changes. you might think that eventually they'll just automatically see your new changes. Simply wishing and hoping that your ex will see that you've changed. And ultimately the biggest mistake that a lot of people make is believing that you have control over whether your partner sees that you've changed or not.

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this is where the wheels really fall off. This is what my members and I call the paradox of control. When you're trying to control what people think of you. the problem is, is that the more you try to control what your ex sees, that they see that you've changed, the less control you have over their opinion.

You actually end up reinforcing that you haven't changed. the consequence of all of this is that there are a lot of mistakes that you can make. Then ended up leaving you, caught in the past, and ironically, pushing your ex further and further away. and the reason behind all of this is because of expectancy bias.

So, what is expectancy bias? it's when someone's past expectations shape their current view. You know, this is what a lot of us do as human beings. but in your ex's mind, they've created a certain picture of you and that picture is still dominating their thoughts. So, in the past your actions didn't line up with their expectations.

So they're holding on to those negative feelings. This is a human being's brain's way of confirming what we already believe. and sticking with it, no matter how much that you've actually changed. And expectancy bias keeps us locked in the past. And this is the same for your ex partner. It reinforces the negative expectations.

so if you think about it this way, you've realized that you need to change and you've started to make changes, which means that you have recognized that there's been some not so great patterns that you've fallen into in the past. This is the same with your partner. If they've had issues with you before, if they've had issues with the way

that you've handled situations in the past, Then expectancy bias is holding on to those issues and assuming that they're going to happen again. They look at all of the past evidence and they think to themselves, I can make a fair prediction on what is going to happen in the future based on all of the past evidence.

So they're subconsciously searching for reasons to believe that they were right to break up with you, right? They're not looking to be wrong. No one is looking to have realized that they made the wrong decision. so this can leave your ex stuck in their own story. So breakups can trap people in stories that they tell themselves.

And this is again, a natural human condition. So if your ex hasn't seen that you've changed, then they could be stuck in that narrative as a way to avoid rethinking the breakup. so they keep seeing you as the same person that you were back then, before you start making changes. so as an example of this, if let's say communication was a problem in the

relationship, even if you've worked on it, your ex's expectancy bias will make them believe that you're still the same way. They'll look for evidence to confirm that belief, no matter how outdated it is. So let's say you've improved 70 percent in your communication. They're going to look at that 30 percent as evidence that

you haven't changed at all. and as a result of all of this, this becomes the, I knew it wouldn't work effect. You know, if they decided that the relationship wasn't meant to be, this expediency bias is going to reinforce that belief. So even with all your changes, their brain is already invested in protecting

them from the emotional discords that come with challenging that belief. and ultimately this is why expectancy bias is the thing that's stopping them from coming back to you. They're seeing the past, they're not seeing the present. So they're not seeing the person that you've become, they're seeing who you were. so expectancy bias keeps them very blind to your growth.

So even if you have improved, they're stuck in the past because their brain resists updating its own view. You know, once they've made that decision that getting back together isn't an option. Their mind will always be looking for reasons to confirm that. and this can feel quite unfair, right? It can feel like, I know I've changed.

My changes are quite obvious. I've taken accountability and I've got a plan for moving forward. It's really unfair that they're not actually seeing this. But if you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. You know, if you put yourself in their shoes, if you've had 5 years of the same pattern happening over and over again, it's pretty reasonable

to predict that that pattern is going to continue into the future. You've already had years of evidence for it. So, for the next 3, 6, 12, 18 months, it's reasonable to think that that's going to happen again. to them, yes, you may have improved, But they're just ready and waiting for you to fall back into your old habits, because it's so easy

to fall back into an old habit. But this is a good thing. It's a good thing for your partner to have standards, right? They're holding you now to an even higher standard than before. Probably an even higher standard to maybe other relationships that they're considering. this is expectancy bias in action, that they've seen a pattern

happen over and over again. now you need to meet a very, very high standard in order to move forward. you know, if you've been burnt over and over again, You don't want to run the risk of having that same thing happen again. This is a natural self defense mechanism that we all have as human beings.

We all have these biases that build up in order to protect ourselves. Sometimes towards groups of people, sometimes towards individual people. but it's really important to understand that these biases can be learned and they can be unlearned. So yes, it may feel like your ex is going to feel this way forever. That they're always going to see you as the old you.

however, if you think about it, The way that they've learned this bias is through repetition of evidence. And that brings me on to how to undo this bias, which is the same way. This is repetition through evidence. They need to see a very, very high standard of evidence that you are not the same old person, that you are this new person over a long period of time

in order to see that you are the new you and that you have a different way of approaching things moving forward. that leads to the question, how can we handle this bias? How can we undo this expectancy bias? just before I move forward, if you do want more videos like this on relationships, communication, then feel free to subscribe to my channel

for new videos every single week. well, the chances are is that if you've started to work on yourself and you start to notice the things that you needed to improve on, you kind of already have the path forward to undoing this bias, right? So let's say one of the main problems that you had was communication.

If you can look back and pinpoint all of the weaknesses and blind spots that you had in your communication, that's all the evidence, then it gives you a clear path to move forward. if you're able to hyper focus on your weakest points and use that as fuel to be able to grow and move forward and work on those specific things, It gives you

a very clear path forward on what you need to work on in order to truly grow. You know, if you think about it, if your ex had five years of terrible communication and you've realized specifically exactly what you did and how poorly you communicated in the past, and spend your time working on that moving forward.

then over time, your partner will see very clearly that your communication has changed. It's very hard for someone to stay in that expectancy bias when the evidence is overwhelmingly different. But this means that you can't just be 10, 20, 30 percent better. You need to be much, much higher. You need to be a much higher standard In order for your partner

to be able to feel those changes. And that is the first step. This is so crucial that the step to changing your partner's opinion is ultimately to focus on working on yourself in a very hyper focused way, not working on changing their mind. They have to shift their perspective on their own. So the best thing that you can do is focus on becoming the best version of

yourself, but very specifically, not just some vague sort of, I'm going to get fit. I'm going to start, you know, eating better or sleeping better. Like, it needs to be very, very specific on your weak points. but do this not to prove something to your ex partner, but for your own growth. This means that over time, you live in a way that naturally challenges their bias.

So if they see you thriving, they see you making very specific positive changes, the things that cause problems in the relationship, as you move forward, it will subtly challenge their old beliefs. So remember that undoing expectancy bias is a side effect of your growth. It's not the goal, But more importantly, it's really crucial to let go

of controlling their perception. So understand that you can't control how your ex partner sees you. Expectancy bias is their lens. It's a natural human lens that we all have, but it's not yours to manage. So focus on what you can control, which is your growth, your happiness, and your future. and getting very very specific into knowing what exactly you need to

change about yourself in order to have a clear path forward is what I work on with all of my Ultranormal members, you know, it's being able to identify all of the discords that happened in the relationship and using that as a roadmap for your own growth. the more that you work on how to undo the emotional discords, the logical

discords, the communication all around. Within yourself, the more you maximize your chances of reconciling with your partner. You need to grow yourself to such a level that it's impossible to see the old you, because the new you is so very, very different. and if you do want to become a member and join us, then join me on my free

relationship bootcamp, where you'll learn the same steps and tools that all of my members have used to start turning their relationship around. Just click on the link in the description to grab your spot. the most crucial thing to understand is that expectancy bias is not some linear thing. It's not just off and on.

And as you try to repair and reconcile the relationship, It's important to understand the levels of expectancy bias and what happens at what stage. And this is why it's so crucial to understand as you're growing yourself to know how to handle expectancy bias at each different stage. So I've actually done a deeper dive video onto the stages of reconciliation,

which I'll link to on the screen. But ultimately, expectancy bias comes in waves. And as you're reconciling, things can actually take a moment to get worse before they get better. As they're starting to see the new you, they can get a bit more suspicious at some times, and they can get a little bit more relaxed at other times.

So it's really important to know the stages of reconciliation. so I'm going to leave you with that video on the stages of reconciliation, and I'll see you over there.